I've been closing these windows across all these worlds. I've had to keep it a secret from basically everyone. I'm used to keeping things secret, hiding them. I didn't mind that part, but what I'm saying is... I've been working nonstop to help end this.
Working with others to get knowledge, spread what I could, protect what I could. And I failed, countless times. But I kept going because I had to, to help fix this problem. To help bring all of you back.
Even when I was injured, I had to keep working. But I was fine with it. I wanted to know I was helping, fighting to get things fixed. I'm sorry if that's not enough for you, Rex. I did try my best.
...But I also failed you. Failed when I hadn't realized what Susato did that day. Failed to put those pieces together. I had my suspicions, but that doesn't mean anything.
[ for the first time in this conversation, rex raises his voice ]
I don't care that Susato got away! Not anymore, anyway.
And I know what you did. I heard you, back there. But you would've done that whether I was alive or dead. Whether you cared or knew I existed at all. Spike didn't kill for Sheba, and you didn't close those windows for me.
So what proof do I have that you actually care, and aren't just saying it?
[ this frustrates him and he feels a little lost. he feels so upset.
and maybe this isn't the move, but he grabs rex and tugs him in close. he pulls him into a huge. he doesn't care if he's punched in the gut or shoved away from it. ]
I care, dammit. I don't know what to do to show you, other than this, if you won't believe me.
[ yeah, kotetsu is...gonna get rex squirming out of his hold and shoving him an arm's length apart. ]
I sent you letters. I kept giving you reminders. I kept giving you a chance!
And now it turns out the only time you ever wanna do anything for me is when you actually have to look at my face. But I guess it's a lot easier to convince yourself you care about someone when you don't have to deal with them yourself, isn't it? Out of sight, out of mind. I get it.
[ it's his inside breast pocket, but he lets him do that. the bag is torn, the contents inside are, in fact, a photo of sholmes, his first letter from nine and the letter from rex, as well as his coin. any other items had been removed over the course of the week, not as important to him to keep close.
[ Rex shuffles through the contents, letting the photo and the other letter fall away. He stares at his own words, gripping the letter so tightly it feels like his knuckles might burst out of his skin.
is this even real? can he trust it to be real? How can he be sure that Kotetsu's actually been carrying this around? He could've just slipped it into his pocket before coming to see Rex right now. ...But that doesn't explain the old, old bloodstains on it.
he tries to keep his voice even, but it's hard. He pushes aside the lump in his throat to talk. ]
...I woke up dead and all I remembered was the past week when I was murdered. And nobody caught my killer because everyone was too busy caring about her to care about me. No one ever mentions me again, like I never existed in the first place. And everyone is lying, about everything, all the time.
And then some guy turns up telling me he cares about me and wants to help me. Like I'm supposed to just believe that. Like trusting people at their word isn't exactly what got me killed.
[ he looks up from the letter, crinkling in his desperate grasp. ]
What am I supposed to do with this? All these weeks later. The tiniest thing nobody could have ever noticed. [ he manages a single laugh, wet and derisive ] Like I'm that desperate. [ what he really means: am i that desperate? ]
I tried to send you a letter, Rex. I assumed when you didn't respond that it meant "actions speak louder than words" ... that sending something like that wouldn't mean anything.
So I kept pushing on with you in mind. Determined to bring you back, wanting to help you get back those memories. I thought... all I could do was show you by that.
[ he frowns, he doesn't know what to do. ]
So, I kept your letter close to me at all times and did what I could.
I can't imagine how you've felt all this time. Waking up like that with only that one memory. Having no one to trust or rely on. Rex...
There was nothing to reply to. You said you were trying. So I kept waiting to see proof.
[ and then...he didn't. he saw kotetsu caring about, talking about, everyone else in sight, but never him. he saw kotetsu curling up around sholmes constantly, like a boy he supposedly cared about hadn't been murdered in an unsolved case.
and what he sees now...is a single letter from him, carried around in kotetsu's pocket for weeks. ]
There's nothing I can do to prove it to you, is there? Everything you saw... You're right. It didn't seem like I cared.
[ but he did. he's always cared. rex has always been a piece of what's kept him going. and yet... now that they're here, he has nothing to show for it. all he did was continue to hurt the kid, let him down, let him feel neglected and alone.
there is absolutely nothing he can do to make up for his missteps other than try to fix what he can and get rex back to where and what he should. this weight is heavy. ]
[ He wants to say no. He ought to. But staring at the letter in his hands... ]
...I don't know.
[ Because the truth is, all Rex wants, more desperately than anything, is to be cared about. He's been watching people forge bonds and display how much they love one another, through good and bad, for weeks on end. Weeks where all he had was a collection of people that hardly knew him at all, and no memories of anyone ever caring for him in the least. And he could have tried, but--but then--he doesn't want to turn around and one day discover he was everyone's second. or third. or last. fine enough, but to be discarded at a moment's notice when it's convenient.
Rex slides down to sit on the dusty ground. He wants this so, so badly. but he can't let himself get burned again. ]
[ And now... Kotetsu knows he has no right to reach out to him. He looks at Rex with such a sad expression. He can't fix this. He can't do anything to right this wrong that he's done against this boy. ]
Then give me time. I'll try what I can to show you I care. Not about everyone as a collective, but you, personally, Rex. Maybe I can't fix this... Maybe you won't believe me. But I want to try anyway.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:21 am (UTC)I did. And?
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:27 am (UTC)Working with others to get knowledge, spread what I could, protect what I could. And I failed, countless times. But I kept going because I had to, to help fix this problem. To help bring all of you back.
Even when I was injured, I had to keep working. But I was fine with it. I wanted to know I was helping, fighting to get things fixed. I'm sorry if that's not enough for you, Rex. I did try my best.
...But I also failed you. Failed when I hadn't realized what Susato did that day. Failed to put those pieces together. I had my suspicions, but that doesn't mean anything.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:33 am (UTC)I don't care that Susato got away! Not anymore, anyway.
And I know what you did. I heard you, back there. But you would've done that whether I was alive or dead. Whether you cared or knew I existed at all. Spike didn't kill for Sheba, and you didn't close those windows for me.
So what proof do I have that you actually care, and aren't just saying it?
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:42 am (UTC)and maybe this isn't the move, but he grabs rex and tugs him in close. he pulls him into a huge. he doesn't care if he's punched in the gut or shoved away from it. ]
I care, dammit. I don't know what to do to show you, other than this, if you won't believe me.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:48 am (UTC)I sent you letters. I kept giving you reminders. I kept giving you a chance!
And now it turns out the only time you ever wanna do anything for me is when you actually have to look at my face. But I guess it's a lot easier to convince yourself you care about someone when you don't have to deal with them yourself, isn't it? Out of sight, out of mind. I get it.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:55 am (UTC)...Letters? Rex, I only got one letter from you. And I... I didn't realize we could send them back. Not for a long time. But that was stupid of me.
You were never out of my mind. But you're right. I never expressed it. And you've every right to be mad at me.
I want you to know, I kept that letter on me at all times. Always.
[ he taps the spot where he keeps the little waterproof bag he has pocketed right above his heart. ]
If I could do one thing over again, it would be that. But so much for regret, it doesn't do anything for you and it's really only self-serving.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:09 am (UTC)no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:12 am (UTC)but it's there. one of his few treasured items. ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:29 am (UTC)is this even real? can he trust it to be real? How can he be sure that Kotetsu's actually been carrying this around? He could've just slipped it into his pocket before coming to see Rex right now. ...But that doesn't explain the old, old bloodstains on it.
he tries to keep his voice even, but it's hard. He pushes aside the lump in his throat to talk. ]
...I woke up dead and all I remembered was the past week when I was murdered. And nobody caught my killer because everyone was too busy caring about her to care about me. No one ever mentions me again, like I never existed in the first place. And everyone is lying, about everything, all the time.
And then some guy turns up telling me he cares about me and wants to help me. Like I'm supposed to just believe that. Like trusting people at their word isn't exactly what got me killed.
[ he looks up from the letter, crinkling in his desperate grasp. ]
What am I supposed to do with this? All these weeks later. The tiniest thing nobody could have ever noticed. [ he manages a single laugh, wet and derisive ] Like I'm that desperate. [ what he really means: am i that desperate? ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 04:34 pm (UTC)So I kept pushing on with you in mind. Determined to bring you back, wanting to help you get back those memories. I thought... all I could do was show you by that.
[ he frowns, he doesn't know what to do. ]
So, I kept your letter close to me at all times and did what I could.
I can't imagine how you've felt all this time. Waking up like that with only that one memory. Having no one to trust or rely on. Rex...
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:48 pm (UTC)[ and then...he didn't. he saw kotetsu caring about, talking about, everyone else in sight, but never him. he saw kotetsu curling up around sholmes constantly, like a boy he supposedly cared about hadn't been murdered in an unsolved case.
and what he sees now...is a single letter from him, carried around in kotetsu's pocket for weeks. ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 07:56 pm (UTC)[ but he did. he's always cared. rex has always been a piece of what's kept him going. and yet... now that they're here, he has nothing to show for it. all he did was continue to hurt the kid, let him down, let him feel neglected and alone.
there is absolutely nothing he can do to make up for his missteps other than try to fix what he can and get rex back to where and what he should. this weight is heavy. ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:22 pm (UTC)...I don't know.
[ Because the truth is, all Rex wants, more desperately than anything, is to be cared about. He's been watching people forge bonds and display how much they love one another, through good and bad, for weeks on end. Weeks where all he had was a collection of people that hardly knew him at all, and no memories of anyone ever caring for him in the least. And he could have tried, but--but then--he doesn't want to turn around and one day discover he was everyone's second. or third. or last. fine enough, but to be discarded at a moment's notice when it's convenient.
Rex slides down to sit on the dusty ground. He wants this so, so badly. but he can't let himself get burned again. ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:25 pm (UTC)Then give me time. I'll try what I can to show you I care. Not about everyone as a collective, but you, personally, Rex. Maybe I can't fix this... Maybe you won't believe me. But I want to try anyway.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:30 pm (UTC)...fine. One last chance.
[ His knees are brought up to his chest, head resting on them. He lets the letter drift out of his grip. ]
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:34 pm (UTC)Thank you. Let me figure out how to do that for you.
no subject
on 2021-11-20 08:40 pm (UTC)